I’m a check box person.
I love lists, agendas, and calendars lined neatly in a row. I need to what I’m doing when, and why. It’s just the way I am. I write a schedule every night before I go to bed, and adjust it first thing in the morning when I arise. So when year one made way to year two, and junior / juniorette was nowhere to be found, it was second nature for me to get moving. A quick consult with DH, a visit to the OB / GYN, followed by the Endocrinologist, the Urologist… and before we knew it, we’d arrived. Infertility. Even less exciting then it sounds.
So here we are today, hanging in there and trying to make sense of this journey. While at times it seems like living in frum circles exacerbates the pain we endure, we’ve realized that it also holds the key to how we can get through this whole – and dare I say happy, at times? Like every test we face, the answer can be found in turning inward and upward, and then finally, moving on.
There’s nothing quite as futile as running circles. And really, that’s what infertility is all about. Taking two steps forward, only to be pushed back to square one. Like a pendulum, swinging merrily back and forth, going nowhere fast. But in truth, there’s more to circles than that. Ever met a spiral? It’s kind of like a circle. It revisits the same place, over and over, just a touch higher each time… again and again, until finally, it’s miles from where it first began.
That, my friends, is the goal. My life is Heaven sent (literally) and if my package may seem like a pendulum, don’t be fooled. It sounds easier than it is, but I know that only I can turn my circle into a spiral. On paper, we may be back to where we began, but by reaching upwards, we’ll have traveled miles internally. That’s where it matters most.
Every story is unique. I know that my writing may inadvertently push somebody’s buttons, and what gives one person chizuk may drive another person up the wall. So I ask you to bear with me. My writing is my self-expression. If you gain from reading these posts, I’d be thrilled to know. If you’re hurt by anything you find here, I apologize in advance. In no way do I claim to have the monopoly on pain, insight, or humor. I ask you to keep that in mind when reading, and realize that my writing is mine – my experiences, my feelings, my outlook. As always, I welcome your feedback and hope we can grow on this journey together!