Yes, No, Maybe So…

With four minutes to the hour our mashgicha still hadn’t arrived at the scene. Needless to say we were at our wits end. In the preceding moments, Sruli had placed numerous frantic calls to the mashgicha’s agency but to no avail. Our efforts to reach our Rav proved futile as well – although when he heard of what transpired he nearly fainted. As Sruli and I sat in the hospital corridor, we made up to accept His will in peace, while saying tehillim together. Weeks of meds and injections, all the tests and ultrasounds, the anticipation… It was all going to end in nothing at all.

We reminded ourselves of the hishtadlus we’d done, thought of Hashem’s unlimited power and His ratzon to do only good. We spoke of how transfer or not, Hashem will give us a baby whenever He deems fit. And yet never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined our cycle ending this way.

And then our mashgicha arrived. In the flurry of activity that followed I barely had time to process the rush of emotions that ensured. Excitement, relief, anger, and frustration… Mostly, deep down, I wondered why we kept being tested this way. Why do things keep not working out for us until the very, very last minute?

I’ve said before, I’m a checkbox person. Give me a role to play and I’ll play it well, but there’s no way I can swing between two. So while I was obviously thrilled to proceed with our transfer, in some small way I just wished to climb on in to the taxi home – and process that which I had already accepted as fact.

Later in the day, it hit me. Imagine if Avraham Avinu would have thought “Hashem, this is a waste! If I’m meant to be makriv my son then I’ll do it, but I can’t play games!” (Obviously this is for illustrative purposes only, Avraham Avinu would clearly have never thought such a thing.) Doesn’t the thought make you chuckle? The akeidah – klal yisrael’s zchus for doros! And yet wasn’t that my thought process, that Hashem should please “make up” His “mind” with me in mind? How laughable.

Hashem had given me a gift – an incredible opportunity to earn zchusim l’netzach. Not only that, but at the same time He wanted me to experience the satisfaction of the transfer as well. So while I was given the opportunity to draw close to Him in tzaar, my personal preferences weren’t compromised one iota. Hashem crafted that morning (and every morning) with perfect precision that we can hardly grasp. In retrospect I realize how lucky I am to have experienced both ends of the day. It’s a lesson I can’t afford to forget as we forge ahead on this incredible journey…

Upward always,

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